When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
