thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
