had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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