the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize