I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
