My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
