She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
