Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
