Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize