If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
