that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
