I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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