I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
