you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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