i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
