I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
