the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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