I wish I only lived at night.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
