the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
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It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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