dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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