just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
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should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
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New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize