2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
