im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
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sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
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I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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