I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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