You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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