im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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