I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
