i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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