THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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