i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
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I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
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seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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