Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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