I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
