I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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