My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
she peed on how many people?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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