My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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