There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
