i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
