Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
