she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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