just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
