I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
