my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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