She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
