Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
