hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
