Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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