Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
