i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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