Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Randomize