I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
