i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
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She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
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You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
