i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Randomize
