i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Randomize
