when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
