he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
My life is pants optional.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
