Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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