my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Can I color on your dick again?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
